


New Beginnings

by OlicityIBelieve



Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate S3 Ending, Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23445835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlicityIBelieve/pseuds/OlicityIBelieve
Summary: What if the last scenes of "I love you" were misleading on purpose...What if Neil Melendez found a way to save himself...What if this was only the beginning of something beautiful...Multi-Chapter fanfic.
Relationships: Claire Browne/Neil Melendez
Comments: 37
Kudos: 145





	1. Love

“You’re gonna be okay, Claire”

I wanted to believe Neil. So badly. But I knew I wasn’t going to be fine. He was slowly dying in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do to save him. All these years learning how the body functioned, how to anticipate what it needed, how to predict the next symptom. All this knowledge a useless resource to save the man I had fallen in love with. The one who had taught me more than anyone else in my life. But yet not enough to save him. 

Neil gave me another weak smile. He was being strong for me when strength was leaving his body with every second that passes. We couldn’t waste any more time. There wasn’t enough time. 

A tear ran along my cheek.

“There is something I need to tell you.”, I whispered, surprised to find the courage to let out the words I was so scared to say out loud. 

“Me too. I’ll go first”, he breathed.

Panic somehow rose in my stomach and I felt like I was going to pass out. I could only nod as I understood the importance of the moment. 

“You…. Are…” 

His breathing became difficult and fear took over me once more. 

_ Don’t leave me yet, Neil _ . 

“A… Terrible bowler.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh. 

_ Oh Neil, what am I gonna do without you? How am I gonna learn to smile again? To laugh again? _

“The worst I have ever seen”

Ouch. That was a bit harsh. For one second, I could see us meeting clandestinely at the bowling alley, sharing beers and laughter. Moments I would cherish all my life. But two could play that game…

“And I wanted to tell you that I hate your tattoo”. 

I loved it so much. I wished I were able to trace the pattern of the antlers in a gesture that I knew would be utterly intimate. 

“Way too much antler” 

I didn’t sound as convincing as I had hoped to and I was sure he could see straight through my lie. I would miss the banter so much. This connection so much. I would miss my friend. My mentor. The man I loved. He smiled at me but he knew that his time was about to come to an end. 

“I love you.” 

I needed to tell him the truth. I needed him to know. I couldn’t let him go without telling him what I had been feeling for weeks now. He had brought so much into my life and I had so little to give him in return. Only three words that I wished were enough to keep him by my side.

“I love you, too.” 

I couldn't breathe. I would have never imagined him saying it back. I didn’t need him to say it back. Declaring my love was enough. But now, I was going to be able to live with a bit of his heart inside of mine. A connection that would outlive death. Such a small gift and yet an immense comfort. 

Why had we waited for so long? Why had we sheltered ourselves from a happiness that was only asking to blossom? I didn’t regret loving Neil Melendez. I only regretted not being brave enough. 

I leaned very cautiously until my face met his torso. My eyes couldn’t leave his. I was so afraid that his eyes would close to never open again. That if I blinked, the beauty of this moment would evaporate to leave my world in ashes.

But we still had a bit of time. Enough for me to capture the feeling of my hand around his wrist, the happiness of his smile, the regret in his eyes, the softness of his touch. 

Enough for him to understand how much he meant to me. What he brought into my life. The gratitude I would never be able to give him back. 

Enough for him to understand that he would have been it for me. 

He closed his eyes and breathed peacefully. For a terrifying moment, I think that was it. That it was the end. 

But not quite. Neil’s breathing was steady, if not painfully shallow. His hand kept caressing my hair. This was what happiness would have felt like. I smiled despite my tears. 

_ I love you so much, Neil Melendez.  _

~

“Claire….”

The raspiness of Neil’s voice brought me back to consciousness. I may have dozed off in his arms. His skin was dangerously grey. His eyes were even more yellow than a few minutes ago but there was in them something I recognized. Determination. 

“Claire, I need you to do something for me.”

  
  



	2. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during I Love You, the morning after the earthquake.  
> Different take on it. This time, it's about hope.

Neil’s body seemed so frail in this bed. No movement. No expression on his face. His skin was grey. Liveless. The silence of his room made Claire sick to her stomach. She felt tears coming back to her eyes. She wanted Neil to open his eyes again and smiled at her. That smile that made her forget everything around her, made her stomach flutter and her knees weak. That very smile that they both knew should not have been allowed between an attending and his resident. And yet, a smile she had been expecting every day. A promise that they could have been more. The silent reminder that they were already more than they were admitting. Claire wanted to see it once more. She wanted to experience that happiness again. 

But it didn’t matter what she wanted. What she needed. Neil’s eyes remained close. His smile only visible in her memories.

Claire felt the urgent need to leave this room as her sanity escaped her. She was exhausted. She was drained. Frustrated. Disappointed. Heartbroken. She needed air. 

Claire stepped away from Neil and her eyes fell on Dr Lim. The familiar and yet exhausted face of her Chief of Surgery brought the weight of the previous night’s decisions back to reality. She couldn’t hold her tears anymore. She felt guilty, powerless in front of the situation. A doctor unable to help her patient. As Audrey’s arms enveloped her in a tight hug, Claire allowed herself to cry. Just a few seconds sharing a common pain. Someone she could share her sadness with. Someone who could understand her frustration as a doctor. Someone who would be willing to do anything to save a loved one. She found in Audrey a friend to support her. And someone Claire could somehow help. Even for the time of a hug. 

Dr Lim knew. She knew Neil so well. But she wasn’t her Chief of Surgery in this moment. Only a friend who understood what Neil meant to her without having to face judgment.

A friendly shoulder to cry on even though Claire knew she cannot afford to break down completely. Not yet. They had so many things to organize in the coming days. 

In a tacit agreement the two women headed towards the cafeteria.

“We should go get a drink sometimes”

It felt surreal to hear these words. But at the same time, a drink would be much needed right now. Claire’s heart tightened at the thought of the last time she went for a drink with Neil. Sadness flew over her once more. She tried to fight the feeling to give herself a tiny bit of space. A bubble that would last a few minutes. A few minutes when she could think of anything but surgery, failures, loved ones. 

“I’d like that”

Claire’s voice was still filled with tears but Audrey’s presence helped her regain her composure as they slowly made their way to the hall. As per usual, patients were slowly walking down the corridors, friends and family were trying to find their way in the dedalus that the hospital was for anyone who didn’t work here, nurses and doctors on their way to their patients. It all looked so… normal. The hospital was buzzing with life and death, unaffected by the grief both women were experiencing.  _ Almost  _ unaffected. A few doctors and nurses paused for a moment when crossing their path, slowing down to nod at the two surgeons. Everyone in this facility was well aware of what had happened last night. A simple gesture to make them understand that they were there for them if they needed anything at all. A family in white gowns and blue scrubs. 

Another sad smile was offered to them by the cafeteria staff as Dr Lim and Dr Browne picked their food. Any food. None of them felt like eating anyway but they gave themselves the appearance of normality for a few minutes. 

They sat across each other in a quieter corner of the cafeteria. They needed to discuss matters that no one should hear. 

“You made the right choice, Claire,” Dr Lim started. “You couldn’t have made a better choice as a doctor. You tried everything you could. We tried everything. The result isn’t always the one we expect. Neil knew the risks.”

Claire only nodded silently as a tear rolled across her cheek. She wiped it off before pushing her plate away. 

“He knew them but we decided to still go ahead with the procedure. We didn’t save him, Dr Lim.” Claire’s voice betrayed the anger she feels deep down. 

“He is not dead yet, Claire! This is so much better than what we could have said a few hours ago!”

Claire nodded again silently. She knew that Dr Lim was right. They avoided the worst. Neil was alive. For now. For another couple of hours. Maybe less. 

The idea had come from him. Last night, he had asked Claire to run his labs again. 

As they had expected, his results had worsened. Which Neil had foreseen and that had helped him make the hardest decision of his life.

———-

_ “I’m gonna die regardless. I’d prefer dying knowing that the best doctors I know tried to save me than waiting for me to slowly pass.”  _

_ Neil’s idea was received only by a macabre silence. Neither Dr Lim or Dr Glassman were convinced by the idea proposed by Dr Melendez. Claire stayed silent, torn by Neil’s proposition. _

__

_ “Neil, your mesentery bypass has already failed. I’m not su…” _

_ “But you told me that the inferior mesenteric arterial had been salvaged, right? “ Neil interrupted Audrey. “If you can divert the blood flow from the SMA to the IMA, we can save at least part of the bowels. Enough for the necrosis to slow down and buy me some time. Maybe enough to find a donor and perform a small bowel transplant.” His labored breathing forced him to stop for a second. “That’s the hope anyway.”  _

_ “Neil, you are extremely weak. Such a surgery would...” Dr Glassman tried to explain before being cut off by Melendez. _

_ “Am I going to die, yes or no?” _

_ None of the three doctors in the room dared answered the question. A rhetorical question. Neil was going to die and there was nothing they could do to change this. Nothing but maybe hope for a miracle. Claire, seated by the window, buried her head in her hands. This couldn’t be happening. Could it? Were they really discussing how to kill the man she loved slowly or on the operating table? Her eyes found his. How could he still be his confident self when he was so weak? Where was he finding the strength to argue for his life when his body was shutting down? She found a bit of an answer in the intensity of his gaze. _

_ “Claire, I know it can work. The odds are not in my favor but I know we should at least try it. We need to try something. Anything. I… I want more time.” He nodded knowingly at her. Claire nodded back before looking for her superiors approval. _

_ “Could it work? Could we save him?” _

_ “Acute mesenteric ischemia has a mortality rate of 60 to 80%” Glassman started. _

_ “But mainly because they are diagnosed too late” Audrey objected, starting to get convinced herself. _

_ “His lactates are already at 8! How late do you qualify this?!” Glassman objected before turning back towards Melendez. “You are in no condition to go through a 3 hour surgery. Even if we manage to keep you alive during the operation, we will hardly be able to slow down the necrosis by a few hours.” _

_ “I don’t have a few hours right now, Aaron” Neil interrupted, somber.  _

_ Glassman sighed heavily, checked the charts again before answering “I won’t be the one killing you, Neil. I’m sorry.” _

_ Dr Melendez leaned back against the pillow, defeated. His hand reached for the cross around his neck, silently praying for his salvation. _

_ “I’ll do it.” Neil looked at Audrey in misbelief. “I’ll do it for you, Neil. Even if it‘s the hardest thing I have to do in my career. Don’t you dare dying on me though.” _

_ “Thank you, Audrey. Thank you,” Neil breathed out. He felt suddenly exhausted, drained of all energy. He barely had time to feel his bed being wheeled to the operating theater that already his world faded to darkness. _

———-

“Dr Melendez has been in the coma for several hours now,” Claire protested. “His ischemia has slowed now but is nowhere under control, even under a broad spectrum of antibiotics. And we don’t have any donor in sight!” 

“Dr Browne, I think you need to calm down,” Dr Lim stated calmly but strongly. “Your feelings for Dr Melendez are getting in the way. Tell me now if you cannot handle this and I’ll take you off the case.”

“I don’t have feeli..”

“Don’t you dare lie to me, Claire. Not now. Not after last night.” Audrey cut her off. “You and I know better. And we deserve better than lying to each other. Am I clear?”

Another nod from Claire, despite being at the verge of tears. Audrey reached over the table, grabbed her hand and gave it a little squeeze.

“We are not giving up, okay? Not now. Not yet.”

Her admiration for Dr Lim knew no limit at this very moment. Her chief of surgery was a rock in the storm, despite all her history with Neil. Such an inspiration to them all. 

“Thank you” Claire whispered. 

“You’re welcome. Now, you eat this sandwich of yours before I have to shove it down your throat. And when you are done, you and I are gonna contact UNOS again. There must be hope somewhere.”

Hope. The only thing to hold on to. 


	3. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is running out...

Claire headed back to Neil’s room after her lunch with Dr Lim. All her energy seemed to be drained away from her with each step she took in his direction. Claire had to admit to herself that she was dreading checking his vitals as she knew they couldn’t have improved. Stable would be a win. Not enough to save him but enough to keep hoping. They were running out of time so fast and facing this reality made her blood freeze in her veins.

Claire checked the latest blood work results that were left for her to review and assessed his vitals. She sighs in frustration. They have worsened. Not as fast as the night before though. She was no expert (he was, she thought bitterly) but she couldn’t give him more than a day in his current state. She expected Neil to become bradycardic at any time. Claire took note of the coldness of his hands, the febrility of his pulse. His heart would not be able to sustain the diverted blood flow as well as the sepsis that was still spreading despite their efforts. He had pulled through surgery a few hours before but how much more could he take on?

A day. How would they find a donor in a day. How could they? The resident had seen enough to know that Neil had taken a huge leap of faith, very much knowing the worst outcome would likely be the most probable. Claire backed away from his bed but remained a few inches close, still, her fists clenched by her side. She was so angry at him. For not being checked earlier after the earthquake. For being so damn professional that he cared about Marta more than his own health. For telling her that he was fine. For confessing his love for her and leaving her regardless. For not opening his eyes and telling her that everything would be okay. She was so angry at him. But she was above all angry at herself. At her inaction. At her passivity. At her negligence. She should have known better. He had taught her better and she had failed him.

The hallway was silent and empty so Claire pressed a soft kiss on Neil’s frail temple.

“Don’t give up, Neil. Stay with us”.

~

Claire had been researching the UNOS database in Neil’s office for hours, losing track of time, when her pager went off. Her heart missed a beat. 911. It could only be Neil. She ran through the floor to find Dr Andrews yelling orders and nurses going in and out of Neil’s room. She stopped just in time to avoid being hit by the crash cart.

“What’s happening?” she asked Andrews, her voice quivering.

“He’s bradycardic,” Andrews replied without looking at her. “I need 2mg of atropine and .5 of epinephrine. Stat!”.

Already Nurse Petringa was handing over the medications to the cardio-thoracic surgeon. Marcus pushed the content of the syringes through Neil’s catheter. All waited silently to see Neil’s heartbeat slow down.

“Come on, Neil. Come on,” Claire muttered under her breath. “Come on.”

“I’m gonna have to shock him,” Andrew shook his head at the still dangerously rapid pulse. “Crash cart.”

The paddles were handed to him as Nurse Villanueva exposed Neil’s chest and placed electrodes on it. Claire closed her eyes as Neil’s chest rose when the current hit him. Instantly she thanked the Universe when Neil’s heart responded and slowed back down.

“Keep him on calcium and monitor him every 15 minutes. We’re losing him, god damn it!” Dr Andrews threw his gloves in the rubbish bin before stopping in front of the surgical resident.  
“Any news from UNOS?”  
Claire shook her head, defeated.  
“Keep me posted if you hear anything.”

Claire bowed her head in acknowledgment before walking to Neil. The nurses made sure he was covered and comfortable before leaving. Claire thanked them both before pulling the curtain and giving them privacy.

A shaking hand caressed his hair, pushing it away from his eyes. Claire’s fingers lingered on his temple, his cheek, before caressing his lips. Neil was breathing. He didn’t give up. His body might have failed him but he was still fighting. Claire sat on the edge of the bed and laid down by his side. The bed was too small and her position uncomfortable but she didn’t care. She made sure not to touch him and not to pull any of the various tubes that kept him alive. Claire simply wanted to be there for him. To make him feel that someone looked over him. To reassure him after the shock his body had gone through.

She murmured soft words to his ear for long minutes. Telling him about everything and anything. How they would find a donor in time. How she would be there every step of the way when he would recover. How she would definitely kick his butt when he would be back running with her.

In the darkest corner of her heart, Claire realized the last words he would hear could be a lie. Chances of survival were decreasing with each minute passing. She wanted to believe in her words but she was losing hope. Yet, she wasn’t losing her determination. The nurses would be back soon so Claire got off the bed reluctantly.

“I’ll be back.” Claire told him out loud. She squeezed his hand before leaving his room.

~

Claire came back a few minutes later, pushing a cart full of medical journals, numerous publications, her notepad and her laptop. She would move her research from his office to his room. If Neil was to be monitored this closely, she saw no other way but to be physically by his side.  
The surgical resident took a seat by his bed and resumed her reading, convinced an answer could be lying somewhere in the latest medical papers. Giving Neil more time. Finding a solution to save his life. Everything in between. She would take anything at this point.

Her research was interrupted only every 15 minutes, when the nurses were to check on Dr Melendez. Every time they would ask Claire if she needed something, which she would consistently refuse politely.

A few hours in, when darkness started to take over the horizon, Dr Lim stopped by the room to check on Neil. Audrey handed Claire a bag of chips, the only food the resident had seen in hours, without even making eye contact as she read through his latest blood work and test results.

“Any news from Neil’s family?” Audrey asked as her eyes flew through his latest lactase rate and blood pressure.

“Nothing. Should we try to contact his fami…?” Claire tried to ask.

“No,” her Chief of surgery cut. “If we get no answer then be it. His family is right in this room.”

Audrey contemplated the pile of discarded papers in the corner of the room then picked a publication from the cart before sitting on the small couch facing the bed. She didn’t say anything, simply smiled at Claire before starting her own investigation.  
An hour later, Morgan’s figure appeared in the hallway. She was wearing a robe, hiding her patient’s gown underneath. She walked to Claire, kissed her cheek lightly, squeezed Audrey’s hand before joining them.

“Reading, that I can do.” Morgan confirmed, waving her bandaged hands.

Thirty minutes later, Neil’s room was filled up with hushed discussions, ideas bouncing back between the three doctors. Plans were laid out if a donor could be found on time, taking into consideration Neil’s deteriorating health. Calculations were made to ensure the optimum blood flow, the best approach for vascularization, the ideal scenario assessed through the highest probability of patient survival. Neil’s survival. Neither of them really knew if all this preparation would ever come to use but they all had to try. They owed it to him and to themselves.

In the middle of the night, their plans were laid out, all their options for a small bowel transplant categorized by scenario, all medications ready to be administered. The plans had been handed out to Dr Andrews for his approval and were under review.

Morgan was forced to head back to her room soon after, the exhaustion of the previous night and the pain in her hands a reminder that she needed to look after herself the way she looked after her patients.

Dr Lim readjusted Neil’s medications before walking to the door. She turned back to Claire.

“I’m gonna try to get a few hours of sleep. Page me if you need me.”

Claire nodded silently.

“Oh and… this is very strong work, Dr Browne. Neil was right to admire your commitment to your patients. He would have been proud of you.” She glanced at him before correcting herself. “I’m sure he is very proud of you.” On this, Audrey disappeared towards the on call room.

“Neil would have been proud of all of us.” Claire thought as she wrapped herself in a thin hospital blanket, trying to find the least uncomfortable position in the armchair by his bedside. She truly had the utter respect for the team she worked with everyday. It had never been simple, navigating competition and egos wasn’t her forte. But in a day like today, working together felt like the most natural thing in the world. And the strongest support she could ever ask for. Neil had worked hard to bring his residents to that point, to think like a team, to behave like a team, to believe as a team, to fight as a team. As she fell asleep monitoring Neil’s steady but weak heartbeat, Claire hoped that all this work would pay off.

Claire woke up to a jolt when she heard someone enter Neil’s room. She opened her eyes to a very excited Shaun.

“Dr Melendez is a very lucky man.” Shaun declared, unable to contain his excitement as he almost leaped to Neil’s bedside. “Someone just died at the ER. He is a perfect match!”

~

Claire had been asked to sit Dr Melendez’s surgery out. It had shattered her heart to let him go with Shaun, Dr Lim and Dr Andrews but the surgeon in her understood that she was too close to her patient to be a good doctor. She had gone through two surgeries on Neil already. She couldn’t trust herself to be at her best, to give him her best for the eight hours that the bowel transplant would take. If the surgery went to completion. If they didn’t lose him before that. Neil had already been critical before heading to the OR. They were playing with hope and faith. Hope for a miracle, faith in medicine.

Not knowing what to do with herself for so many hours, Claire collected her thoughts. Tidying up Neil’s room - that had become an impromptu office - and answering her basic needs - like a shower and eating some decent food - seemed like a good start. Claire swung by Dr Melendez’s office, putting every publication back in place, knowing very much that every paper misplaced would earn her a remark from him. Everything in Neil’s office screamed his presence at her. His discarded lab coat, his computer on his desk, his gym bag tucked under his desk. It was like the office waited for him to go through the door at any second. Almost as much as she did.  
The idea of him not coming back to this office was too much for her to bear. She couldn’t imagine what her life would be if he didn’t survive the operation. He had insisted that she would be okay but she wasn’t so sure about it. A wave of intolerable sadness crashed through Claire. Her resolutions to keep a straight head were crumbling under the weight of the recent events.

Claire headed towards the locker room, avoiding the shortest path that would have led her towards the ORs. She checked her phone for the umpteenth time for news from Neil’s surgery. Nothing. No news, good news, she decided, not willing to lose hope. If something terrible had happened, she would have been notified by now.  
Once in the locker room, deserted at this time of the night, the surgical resident took her scrubs off and turned the shower on. She sighed deeply at the water pressure, the tension and fatigue from the last days washed away by the hot water. The walls that Claire had built to protect herself shattered, leaving her sobbing under the shower. Claire cried for the man she loved, for the mum she lost, for the universe that kept taking away from her everything she held dear, for that happiness she could never quite reach. For long minutes, Claire allowed herself to surrender, to let go of all control and lose herself in painful tears. She cried until she had nothing left in her. When she stepped out of the shower, Claire felt strangely better. Like the well that used to contain her sadness was empty. Ready for more somewhat but the pressure from within was gone.

Claire got dressed with fresh scrubs, walked to the dark and empty cafeteria, bought a warm soup before heading to the on-call room. Still no news after 3 hours of surgery. Vascularisation of the bowel should have started by then. Claire ate her soup in silence sitting on the small bed, her eyelids heavier with every mouthful. Before she realized it, Claire was taken by a dreamless sleep.

~

Claire woke up with a jolt. She had no notion of time, how long she had slept.

 _Neil_.

Was he alive? Her dead phone gave her no answer and Claire felt bile rising in her stomach as panic flooded her veins.

_Please, be alive._

Claire made her way to the OR, her head throbbing with anxiety. She slammed the OR gallery’s door and stopped straight into her tracks when she saw Dr Lim’s form on the floor, outside of the operating theater. She was against the wall, curled up, her head resting on her knees, her shoulders moving to the rhythm of her sobs.

_No._

Claire walked towards Audrey, her legs moving on their own accord.

_It cannot be._

She crouched down in front of the chief of surgery, tears already rolling down her face. Claire’s hand landed on Audrey’s shoulder, jolting her from her daze.  
Audrey’s head snapped. It took her a second to comprehend that Claire was there in front of her.

_Please, don’t leave me._

Claire took in her red, puffy eyes and the exhaustion that was written all across her face.

“What happened, Audrey?” Claire dared asking. “Please, tell me.”

Dr Lim let out a sob before wiping her nose with the back of her sleeve.

“Neil… He… He pulled through, Claire.” Dr Lim choked on her tears. “He’s weak and God, he coded twice but… he’s in the ICU now. He made it, Claire.”

Claire threw her arms at Audrey and hugged her like she had never hugged anyone before. She cried and laughed in Audrey’s arms, both of them swaying under the embrace, as hope was finally allowed to shine in their hearts again.


	4. Relief

“I swear to God, Claire, if I see you in this ICU in one hour, I’m firing you off my service.”

Dr Lim’s voice snapped Claire awake, the young resident almost falling off the chair she had been uncomfortably sleeping on. Her forehead was marked an angry red, mirroring the redness of her forearms. Definitely not a good position to sleep on if the stiffness of her neck and the pain in her lower back were any indication. 

Claire glanced at Neil first, ignoring her Chief of surgery. Ventilator still on. Oxygen saturation satisfying. Heart monitor beeping steadily. Blood pressure quite good despite the circumstances. A stable comatose patient. 

“He’s fine.” Dr Lim cut Claire’s observations as she moved to her side. She grabbed Claire by the shoulders and pushed her towards the door. 

“You’ve been here for two days. Neil is stable. You, however, are heading towards…” Audrey looked at Claire’s mingled hair, the dark cycles under her eyes, her wrinkled scrubs. “...unstable.”

Claire groaned in annoyance but had to admit that her Chief of Surgery was right. She was exhausted, nauseous, sore and, yes, a bit smelly. 

“I want you to go home, take a shower, eat some real food. I insist on real food. And then, sleep for at least 12 hours. It means I also don’t want to see your face in this hospital for the next 24 hours.”

“But, Dr Lim…”

“IF...”, she continued in a louder voice, “...I see you here before tomorrow, I’m getting your badge deactivated and I’m calling security on you. Am I clear?”

Claire glanced anxiously towards Neil.

“AND…”, Audrey softened up,“if anything happens, I’ll call you straight away.” 

In front of Claire’s indecisive and worried face, Audrey grabbed her resident by the shoulders.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll look over Neil and won’t allow him to do anything stupid while you’re away. I promise you, Claire. I’m serious. You need a break. He’ll need you when he decides to come back to us.”

Claire felt herself tear up, exhaustion magnifying her emotions to the point of no return.

“Also, I need my resident back cause we have a hospital to run and an education to give you.”

She nodded to her chief, dragged her feet back to Neil and kissed his forehead. 

“Twenty four hours only!” she cried at Audrey before leaving the room and heading home. 

Audrey smiled and shook her head at her resident before sitting on the edge of Neil’s bed. 

“You know, I think you may have found a good one here,” Audrey whispered to Neil while stroking his hand. “I have no idea what you plan on doing when you wake up but… You and I are gonna have a heck of a difficult discussion when you finally talk to me about Claire…. I’d be happy to see you guys working out. We’re going to talk through this in front of the most expensive bourbon you can find in the whole city - single barrel, small batch probably. And not one sad pour in a bar. I’ll make you buy me a bottle. And you’re gonna explain to me why this is not a mistake and why I need to allow you to be with your resident. And then I’ll nod and give you my little speech about boundaries and hierarchy and favoritism, knowing perfectly that I would allow you to be together under certain conditions. But you are such a pain in my rear right now that I’ll make you work for it a bit. Yeah. I definitely deserve that bourbon. ”

Audrey paused for a moment. “And you deserve to be happy. So don’t wait for too long to wake up, Neil.”

Dr Lim squeezed Neil’s hand before going back to her rounds. 

~

Claire had to give credit to her chief of surgery. One day off made her feel like a different woman. Her mood was significantly improved, her focus sharpened and the prospect to be back at work made her fingers tingle with anticipation. 

The fact that Neil was off the ventilator was no stranger to this improvement either. Lim had texted her a few hours ago, letting her know the good news. It was too early to call it a victory but it remained nonetheless a huge milestone.

After a quick detour to Neil’s room, Claire headed towards Dr Lim’s office, who would be their supervisor until further notice. She found Shaun waiting already.

“Good morning, Shaun.”

“Good morning, Claire. You look... refreshed” he answered, carefully choosing his words. 

“Thank you, Shaun. I indeed feel way better than last time I saw you. I also wanted to thank you for scrubbing in for Dr Melendez’s surgery. It helped to know he was in good hands.” She thanked him as she took a seat by him, looking down on her tablet to see who was on their board this morning.

“You don’t have to thank me. It is my job.” he replied, uneasy under her compliment. “But I’m really glad Dr Melendez is out of danger for now. It seems to have a very positive impact on you.”

Claire felt the urge to contradict Shaun to preserve appearances but she was interrupted by the entrance of Dr Lim. She looked exhausted but in good spirits. 

“Good morning, Dr Murphy. Good morning, Dr Browne. I appreciate not having seen either of you for the last 24 hours. Are you both feeling ready to be back?”

Her question was answered by two sharp nods.

“Good. Because it's gonna be only the two of you for a few weeks. Morgan still has a long way to go after her surgery. If she can come back at all. Alex took a few weeks of personal leave and won’t be back before a while. Considering we are also down one surgeon, it means the next few weeks are gonna be tough for you. And me. Everyone. Good news is, that’s going to be an incredible opportunity for you two to step up. More lead surgeries. More autonomy. Any questions?”

“Nope.” Claire answered for the two of them.

“Okay. Let’s start with rounds, then.”

~

“Neil Melendez. 39 years old. Admitted six days ago after loss of consciousness due to internal injuries to the siliac trunk. His condition quickly deteriorated despite restored blood flood. The subsequent surgery permitted a blood flood diversion to the IMA, allowing enough time to receive a small bowel transplant two days afterwards. The current combination of immuno-suppressants and anti-rejection medication seems to be working out as the patient’s bowels have not shown any sign of necrosis or septicemia yet. Dr Melendez’s state has improved to the point where the ventilator was removed and his oxygen saturation stabilized at 96. All signs are indicating that the patient should wake up in the next 24 to 48 hours.”

Claire felt slightly uncomfortable at the neutral exposure of Neil’s condition by Shaun. She wanted nothing more but to go to him and spend hours talking to him, in a desperate hope to see him open his eyes. Claire knew better. Neil had never been alone for long since he had entered the hospital. Surgeons, doctors, residents, nurses, assistants. All of them had taken a few minutes or hours to keep Neil company. His own family had failed to answer their calls so the hospital family had taken over. Claire put her bitterness aside. She knew out of experience that families were complicated. She had hoped that some were better than others but she may have been wrong. 

“Excellent summary, Dr Murphy.” she heard Dr Lim state. “Dr Browne, what’s the next course of action?”

Claire swallowed hard before answering. 

“Next steps involved monitoring blood pressure as well as blood flow in the grafted bowels. We should plan for daily biopsies via endoscopy through the chimney ileostomy to test any sign of rejection. If Dr Melendez is still stable in the coming 24 hours, we should proceed with the insertion of an NG tube to test the bowel response to food.”

“I guess you guys know what to do next. Keep me updated for any sign of change.”

It physically hurt when Claire had to move away from Neil’s room to go on their rounds. As they exited the room, Morgan winked at her. 

“I’ll be watching over him like a hawk while you guys finish your rounds. Then, I count on you to share your cases with me because I’m in the mood of disagreeing with you over diagnosis and medications.” 

Claire shook her head smiling before moving on.

“I am glad I am stuck with you and not Morgan.” Shaun stated plainly. “It would have not been as enjoyable to work only with her. I much prefer working with a friend.” he added, shily. 

“Aaawww Shaun. I’m very happy to be spending some time with you. As my colleague. And my friend.” Claire answered in a sweet smile.

Shaun chuckled. 

“I could also use a friend right now.” He paused, then encouraged by Claire’s nod, he added “I kissed Lea. And Lea kissed me. It has been a lot to process. I think I need to talk to a friend about it.”

Claire’s heart burst of happiness in front of the genuine smile on Shaun’s face. He looked so happy. She was so proud of him not yelling his happiness all over the hospital. He had gone such a long way since they first met. 

“Of course, Shaun. Let’s take some time to discuss it at lunch, okay?”

“That would be very nice. Thank you, Claire.”

Without much of an afterthought, Shaun entered the room of their next patient and started blurting out his chart to Dr Lim. Some things had changed. Some never would.

~

The day had gone in a flash. Going back to a hectic day, full of challenges and pressure, meant less time to reminisce over possibilities and worst case scenarios. 

The sun was already out when Claire had gone back to Neil’s room. She was on call tonight and one of her patients was still unstable and wouldn’t probably make it the night. If she had to stay at the hospital, she’d much rather spend the night by Neil’s side. The ICU was quiet when she sat down by his bed, leaving her paperwork at the foot of the bed. Claire made sure no one could see them before she kissed his forehead softly and stroked his hair tenderly. 

“Looked like you had a pretty good day, Dr Melendez. Your vent is off. Your NG tube is on. Your bowels seem to have vascularized just fine. Even your damn lactase is looking great. You were right. All along. It was a genius idea and it was worth it. I just need you to wake up and brag to me over and over.”

~

Claire woke up to the sound of her binders falling to the floor. Damn. She had fallen asleep watching over him. She crouched down to gather the multitude of sheets on the floor. She stopped when she realized what it meant. If the binders had fallen, it meant something had pushed them over the bed.  
Calire stood up abruptly, her eyes moving across Neil’s body in search of a movement. Here! His foot moved again! Claire hovered over Neil’s body, squeezing and stroking his hand encouragingly. 

“Come on, Neil. Come back to us.”

Claire felt the pressure of Neil’s fingers against hers. She rang the nurse’s emergency alarm before someone appeared a few seconds afterwards. 

“I think Dr Melendez is waking up. Ping Dr Lim immediately.”

Nothing happened for more than 15 minutes. Audrey had joined Claire, both their smiles translating the utter relief and happiness they felt. Both of them knew it could take a while before a patient would come back to full consciousness, so they patiently waited by his bedside. Claire kept her distance in front of Dr Lim. If her feelings for her attending were obvious, she didn’t want to make them a spectacle at the hospital. 

Half an hour later, Neil’s eyes fluttered. He struggled to keep them open for more than a few seconds at a time. Claire’s hand reached his once more, which Neil seemed to react to. His head bobbed towards his resident before meeting her eyes. 

“I guess I’m not dead after all.” Neil managed to whisper in a hoarse voice. 

A tear fell down Claire’s cheek as her heart was too full to contain the magnitude of her love for Neil. 

“Nope, you were right. And we will never hear the end of it.” Claire answered in a quick laugh.

Neil smiled before closing his eyes again. Rest. He needed rest. 

~

The following hours were filled with a battery of tests to ensure Neil’s cerebral activity and cognitive abilities had not been impaired. Neil struggled to stay awake for more than minutes at a time. His head was sore, his stomach was beyond painful despite the morphine and his throat was desperately dry. 

He kept looking for Claire but she seemed nowhere near. 

The next time he woke up, a day or two may have passed because it was dark again outside. He had been moved into a more private room, far from the center of the service. Good, he would hate to have to hear the nurse station’s phone ring all night long. 

A shy knock was heard before his favorite resident’s head popped out the door.

“Is now a good time? I wouldn’t want to disturb you if you’re still resting.”

“Come in, Claire. I think I’m going to be resting for a while regardless.” he added with a touch of humour. 

Claire closed the door behind her and sat softly on the side of his bed, maintaining her distance and making sure to respect his personal space. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked, unsure.

“I’m…. okay. I’m fine. Everything hurts and this thing - he pointed at his NG tube - is no joke but last time I was awake, I thought I was on my deathbed and now… now I’m alive.”

“I’m very glad you were right. You defeated all the odds.” 

“Your commitment to your patients paid off, it seems.” He added, remembering the very conversation they had a few days ago. “You saved me, Claire.”

“No, I was just at the right place, at the right time.” Claire offered. “That was all you. You’re gonna be okay, Neil.”

Neil’s hand looked for Claire’s and he laced his fingers to hers. He saw, overwhelmed by emotion, tears falling down Claire’s face as she tried to keep a brave face on. 

“Come here.” he pulled her to him. 

Claire nestled on the crook of his neck, breathing him in. It felt surreal to have her in his arms, to feel alive, to know that more was coming for him. For them maybe. They spent long minutes in their embrace, enjoying a simple contact. 

As Claire shifted back, Neil started speaking what was on his heart.

“Claire, what I told you before the surgery…” Claire nodded, apprehension all over her face. “That was me talking. Not fear. Not death. It was me. I meant what I told you.”

Neil felt Claire tensing, sensing more was to come. 

“But this... ,“ he gestured to the various tubes and IVs plugged to his body. “This is gonna come in the way for weeks. And I don’t want to start anything with you when I’m sick, wired to multiple machines and bed ridden.”

“Neil, you know this is not…”

“Let me finish, Claire. Please.” He smiled softly at her. “You know me. You know how proud a man I am. You know this is gonna get difficult for me and I… I don’t think I can do this, that I can focus on you, on us, as we would deserve, if I have to focus on my recovery first. I want to give us a real chance, Claire. Just not like this. Not here. ”

“Me too. And I know you’re gonna be insufferable in the coming weeks.” She laughed despite the pain he could see he had inflicted her. “I just have to ask you one thing.”

“Tell me.” he confirmed as he wiped one tear off her face.

“Promise me not to push me away. I was your friend and I still am your friend. Things are… complicated right now, to say the least, but don’t shut me out. I want to be there for you. You were there for me when I needed someone. I just want a chance to do the same.”

“Okay.” Neil breathes out, moved by the sincerity of Claire’s words. 

Claire’s page went on, breaking the moment. 

“I gotta go.” Claire confirmed as she stood up. “Get some rest. I’ll see you later.” She gave him a small smile, unsure of how to say goodbye.

As Claire turned her heels, Neil grabbed her wrist and pulled her back to him. He grasped the back of her neck and on an impulse, brought his lips to hers. Claire’s surprise left her frozen for a second but soon, she relaxed in his arms and kissed him back. Neil’s lips were demanding on hers, leaving Claire no doubt on the force of his feelings. Claire matched his intensity as her tongue softly explored his mouth. Neil leaned back against the pillow, pulling Claire with him. The way her teeth nibbled at his bottom lip made him want so much more. Neil's hand dug further into Claire’s scalp and the moan she let out made him realize he was very much alive. 

A kiss to finally materialize their love. A kiss to make them last until he was recovered. A kiss to seal the promise of a real chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are enjoying the story as much as I enjoy writing it - it was a lifeboat after a very difficult week for everyone and our Black Community in particular.  
> Don't forget to leave a comment for any suggestion!
> 
> Stay safe everyone.


	5. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks at the hospital, Neil struggles through his recovery as the world seems to go on without him.

_Two weeks later_

Neil once told Claire doctors made the worst patients. Back then he had no idea how understated that fact was. Neil groaned as a flash of the pain ran through his side. He perfectly knew what was happening to his body. If the grafted bowels were healing nicely, he had to have the worst luck and develop an infection after they had closed his ileostomy chimney yesterday. After two weeks of heavy immuno-suppressant treatment, of extremely limited human interaction to reduce the exposure to any pathogen, of NG tube feeding him, Neil had to be vanquished by an insignificant routine procedure. The irony of this fact was not lost on him.

He didn’t need a nurse or one of his residents to confirm his diagnosis. He was qualified enough to make the call himself. But, of course, he had no authority now. No power to request a large spectrum antibiotic and be done with it. No, he had to wait for his damn residents to deign visit him for their morning rounds. His nurse had stopped answering his calls after she told Neil for the third time that the doctor would be there soon. The dark look he had given her had not helped the situation but he couldn’t help it.

Neil shifted on his side to alleviate the pressure on his infected wound. The frustration of his own limitations bubbled dangerously under his skin. Two weeks of perpetual physical challenges had worn his temper down to a fragile layer of irritated nerves. Neil usually tried to find a bit of comfort in the luck that was his and the great progress he had already made but nothing seemed to work this morning. A night spent in company of pain and loneliness would do that to the strongest of them. What he would give to be back home right now.

A throbbing headache made Neil’s body feel too small for his pain and he felt himself slip into the darkest corner of his head, where anger and frustration provided him with a tolerable escape. A self-destructive escape but the only relief he had access to.

Annoyed, feverish and in pain, Neil checked the small clock on the side table. What was his team doing? He would have to mention it to Audrey. Neil had no desire to see his team sit back and relax when there were patients to attend. He trained them better than that. He didn’t care he may have had his own fair share of late rounds, this behavior couldn’t be tolerated from residents.

Long minutes passed before he heard his team in the corridor. Instead of easing his anxiety and irritation, the sound of the chatter irked Neil to his core. Out of the sudden, he had no desire to see any of them anymore. They could all go to hell for what he cared.  
Surprise replaced his dark mood for a moment when Shaun, Claire and Audrey entered his room, followed by another doctor. An attending for that matter. _What the fuck…_

“Good morning, Dr Melendez! It’s a pleasure to finally meet you!” the attending greeted him as he flashed his patient the whitest smile.

_Oh, you gotta be kidding me._ The attending joining them in their rounds was no less than Brian Davis from UCLA. A well known cardiothoracic surgeon, predominantly recognized for his breakthrough on the reduction of the cardiopulmonary bypass induced inflammation. Brilliant guy. A total jerk but a brilliant one. They had conversed in the past and leveraged each other as consultants for a few surgeries.

“Dr Davis. What do I owe the honor of your visit?”

Audrey made a gesture to stop Davis from answering but he was too quick for her.  
“Oh, you haven’t been informed. I’ll be taking over your service for the next ten weeks.” he answered casually.

Even Shaun had the decency to look embarrassed. Claire couldn’t hold his gaze and Audrey looked guilty enough to make him lose his calm.

“Dr Davis has been transferred temporarily from UCLA to supervise your service until you are fully recovered. The hospital needed a top cardiothoracic surgeon in your absence and Dr Davis was interested in transferring to North Cal.”

Neil couldn’t find the words. He stared blankly at Davis as he moved towards him. _This day couldn't get any worse._

“Dr Davis will also take the lead of the residency program in the interim.”

_Oh no. It could._ Neil must be dreaming. A very bad dream. Someone woke him up please. There was no reason why he couldn’t monitor his residents in a couple weeks. He didn’t need to be 100% back to monitor their education. This was ludicrous.

Without asking his permission, Brian pressed the back of his hand to Neil’s forehead, bringing Neil from irritated to murderous.

“Slight fever, eh?”

The only answer Neil gave him was a savage look. Davis yanked the sheet to the side as well as Neil’s tee-shirt to expose his wound under the thick bandage.

“Infection of the chimney. Nasty one, Melendez. Must hurt like hell.”

“I can tell your bedside manners haven’t improved since the last time we met. Hopefully you won’t stay long enough for my residents to get your bad habits.” Neil snapped as he pulled his shirt back, wincing in pain.

Dr Davis only snorted before instructing Shaun to debride the wound and put Neil under wide spectrum antibiotics. Shaun froze in place, unable to muster the courage to face Melendez in such a fury.

“I’ll do it.” Claire whispered to Shaun and headed towards the door to grab supplies.

“Hmph. Playing favorites with Dr Melendez will not lead you anywhere in the next few weeks, Dr Brown. Try to remember that.” Davis added before passing her and leaving the room, followed by Shaun. Claire looked stunned but shook her head.

“I’ll be back in a sec.” Claire muttered to Neil’s address.

“I’m sorry, Neil. I didn’t want you to learn it this way. I was pressured by the board to hire a cardiotho…” Dr Lim tried to explain.

“Can we not do this now?” Neil cut her off, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Sure. Page me when you feel better.”

Neil tried to remain in control of his breathing and closed his eyes to focus on not losing his temper completely.

“Neil, I promise,” Lim faced him as she reached the doorframe, “this is only temporary. We all need you back on your feet as soon as possible.”

_Easier said than done_ , Neil thought bitterly. He still had months of recovery in front of him, best case scenario. That jerk could very well take his spot, his surgeries, his patients, his residents before Neil could even be back part time. Neil’s jaws clenched frantically as he tried to calm down. He was lucky to be alive. The rest would wait. The rest could… bloody go to hell.

Claire came back into the room, pushing a small cart, carrying a surgical kit and medications.

She sat down, filled the syringe with a local anesthetic before meeting Neil’s eyes, “Sleepless night?”

“Among others, yes.” Neil groaned. He wasn’t in a chatty mood. He was grateful for Claire to be there for him but he could feel himself on the edge.

Claire pulled his tee shirt and removed the bandage completely to expose the infected tissue. She softly placed her fingers around the scar and pushed the anesthetic in three small injections. Neil gritted his teeth not to flinch at the feeling of her fingers on his skin. He didn’t want to think about what they could be, how he would want nothing but to crash her against this chest and kiss the mind out of her, how he craved to hear her moan against his lips again.

No. Instead of that, he had to suffer silently and let her play doctor with him in the most infuriating literal way. Neil turned his face away from his resident, hiding the rage that was flowing through his features.

He saw Claire in his peripheral vision grab a small scalpel before starting working on his wound. Neil barely felt the quick work Claire did of his debridement. In no time, she was dressing the wound and pushing some antibiotics and painkillers through his IV.

“You should feel better in no time,” Claire tried to cheer him up. “You’ll be able to start trying real food as soon as the infection is cleared.”

“And by real food, you mean baby food, right?” Neil snapped at her.  
Claire flinched under the harshness of his tone but didn’t give up.

“I know it’s been hard on you, Neil, but you’re doing extremely well.”

“That’s what everyone keeps saying, yes.” His tone didn’t soften. “But believe me when I say that, from this side, it surely doesn’t feel like it.”

Claire smiled at Neil and sat down on the side of his bed. She opened her mouth but was cut straight away by Neil.

“The last thing I need from you, Dr Browne, is one of your pep talks. I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, I haven’t tasted food in two weeks… or even breathe fresh air, for that matter, in almost a month if you think about it and today, I learn that a jackass is taking over my department when I’m stuck in this damn bed. So you’ll excuse me if I don’t have the patience right now.”

Claire reached out for Neil’s hand but he pulled it away abruptly, knocking the small cart in his gesture. The instruments came crashing loudly on the floor.

Neil watched Claire swallow hard, nod silently, her eyes lost somewhere else before standing up. It brought him back violently to the night he asked her not to share her feelings for him. He hated himself for inflicting her pain. But hatred and anger and frustration were drowning him, with no rescue in sight.  
His resident crouched down, pulled the cart back up, picked up the instruments before putting them back on the cart silently.

“Page me if you don’t feel any better within one hour.” Claire simply stated before exiting the room.

The hollowness of Claire’s voice hurt Neil much more than he expected.

~

Neil managed to grab a few hours of sleep as the fever and the pain decreased significantly. He woke up groggy and his mood was still questionable. His frustration hadn’t vanished but anger had faded away to be replaced by a more treacherous emotion. Sadness.

A certain melancholy hummed in Neil’s heart when he looked over the window. It was a beautiful day outside. Before his injury, he would have left the hospital at a decent hour to make sure to enjoy a run in the park at sunset. It would have been not too dry, not too hot. Perfect for a 7 or 8 mile run. He would have asked Claire to join him. Perhaps he would have asked to drop her off as well... He could now barely stand, let alone walk to the couch at the back of his room.

And Claire... Well, he had been a total jerk to her. He had warned her that this would happen. He knew himself too well. Maybe well enough to know that he didn’t deserve her. Wasn’t it the real reason why he had pushed her away a few weeks ago? He didn’t know anymore. It felt like a lifetime ago. A life that seemed so far from being within his reach again. Was he close to losing everything he held dear? His job, his patients, his residents, Claire?

A small knock at the door broke Neil’s trail of thoughts.

“Can I come in?” Claire asked, assessing the atmosphere.  
“Always.” Neil answered automatically, a small apologetic smile on his face.

“Good!” she confirmed. She pushed a wheelchair inside Neil’s room.  
The doubtful look that Neil gave her didn’t seem to shake her confidence.

“Look. No pep talk I promise. But it’s a beautiful day outside. And I think you’re right and that you could do with some fresh air. And see something else than the four walls of this room.”  
“Doctor’s orders.” she added with a wink and a smile. Claire’s positivity was somewhat contagious because Neil felt himself nod in agreement.

Claire brought the bed to a seated position and Neil pulled the covers off. He was wearing a grey t-shirt that once used to fit and black sweatpants. His own clothes looked so big on him now. His weight loss, as well as the lack of exercise, had taken a physical toll on his body. Exhaustion felt like a second skin these days. Still, easing himself into the wheelchair by himself resembled a small victory.

Claire handed him his slippers and a blanket before wheeling him towards the exit. She bent over and whispered in his ear “I have a surprise for you.”  
Claire’s proximity sent goosebumps all over Neil’s. He glanced back long enough to see Claire’s radiant smile on her face. Whichever the surprise, she was very proud of herself.

Claire had taken the most private elevators in the building to make the journey to the ground floor as easy as possible for Neil. The less interaction, the better. And Neil was immensely grateful for this.

Neil had to shield his eyes from the sun when Claire stopped outside of the hospital. She had wheeled him towards the private hospital garden. Nothing fancy but a nice retreat for patients in dire need of nature and natural sunlight. She paused for a few seconds, breathing deeply.  
Neil felt her hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing the tension away from his body.

“Better?”

Neil’s hand reached for her and stroked it softly. He turned around to meet her eyes.

“So much better.”

Claire smiled before pushing him further in the garden, along a path lined up with benches. The sun was high and bright, leaving his skin alive and warm for the first time in forever.

“Neil!”

Neil blinked but recognized immediately the woman running towards him.

“Neil!” he heard her cry before she jumped in his arms and hugged him tightly.

“Gaby…” Neil whispered as he hugged his sister tightly. His scars protested under the strain but he didn’t care.  
Neil fought back tears as emotion submerged him. His beautiful sister was here. He had missed her so much. He couldn’t quite believe it.  
Gaby kissed him soundly on the cheek before giving him a small wrapped present.

“It’s not chocolates.” She giggled. “Dr Claire said you are not allowed to have chocolates.”  
“Did she now?” he winked at Claire, smiling.  
“Yes, so Dr Audrey picked something else.”

Claire moved them towards a table in the shade of an oak tree, where Audrey had been waiting with Gabriella. Audrey smiled when Neil gave her a beaming smile.

Gaby’s smile vanished and she looked extremely concerned out of the sudden.  
“Are you in pain, Neil?”  
Neil stroked her cheek.  
“Nothing to worry about, my love,” he answered, sounding his usual self, “Now, tell me. What did you bring me? Show me!”

Neil handed the present back over to Gaby. Her excitement was contagious and the three doctors smiled when Gaby yelped of delight tearing up the wrapping paper to discover a puzzle.

“It’s a puzzle, Neil! Can we do it together, please?”  
“Absolutely!” Neil didn’t miss a beat. He kissed his sister before starting working on the puzzle with her.

Claire and Audrey left them alone for a half hour. When they came back, Neil looked like he had run a marathon and was about to pass out despite the smile that hadn’t faded from his face.

“I hope I can see you soon, Neil.” Gaby hugged her brother as they parted ways.  
“I can’t wait. I love you, little sister.”  
“I love you too!” she smiled before waving him goodbye.

Claire pushed the wheelchair back towards the hospital in a comfortable silence. Neil felt like a part of himself had finally been brought back to life. He felt like… like himself. Alive. Grateful. And bloody exhausted.

“I’d never thought I would be happy to see my bed anytime soon.” he joked as they entered his bedroom.  
Claire chuckled before helping him get back to bed. Neil hissed in pain as soon as his body hit the mattress.

“Are you hurt?” Claire inquired, the surgeon taking over in a flash.  
“No,” Neil softly answered. “I’m just sore. Nothing that would make me regret today in any case.”  
“I’m glad you enjoyed your afternoon.”  
“I did. Thank you, Claire.”  
“You’re very welcome.” she answered as she rearranged the covers.  
Neil caught Claire’s eye. He hoped she could see on his face how grateful he was for her today. For not giving up on him when he deserved it. For bringing so much happiness when darkness had surrounded him. For being her.  
Instinctively, Claire moved closer to Neil and his hand reached for the back of her head. She leaned against his forehead, her eyes closed, their noses softly rubbing against each other. Neil’s bottom lip tingled, sensitive to the magnetism between them. What he would give to kiss her, right here, right now. But they had an agreement.

“Thank you for being here for me, Claire.” he whispered, his mouth grazing hers.

“Always.”

They stayed like this for seconds. Minutes. Hours maybe. Both very aware of the distance they accepted to maintain but also of the bond they needed to hold on to.

When Claire left, Neil felt like he would have the strength and patience to go through his recovery and get his life back.  
And some more.  
One day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and being part of this journey with me!  
> I am not giving up hope for next season but in the meantime, writing this fic is bringing me a bit of joy.  
> My only hope is that it brings some to you too.  
> Stay safe!


	6. Excitement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's almost time to go home for Neil.

Claire sped up the pace. She was late for work this morning. She climbed the stairs quickly as she checked her braid. She would look decent today, if not for the slightly exhausted look she had maintained for the last weeks. Now that Neil was out of any immediate danger, she should have been able to get a bit of rest and relax but being a fourth year resident meant more solo surgeries. Which led to very long nights studying at home or practicing at the skills lab. 

Claire was half running when she reached Neil’s room. She could see Shaun and Morgan from the hallway, their cases already being discussed and examined. Nothing unusual in that fact. The residents had been meeting for the last 10 days in Dr Melendez’s room every morning, one hour before their shift. They would then review their respective cases and go through hypothetical scenarios and consequent diagnostic and treatment. Melendez would quizz his residents, coaching them to be more independent. As the methodology that Davis followed was questionable at best - he was so hands-on Dr Lim had to intervene to allow her residents to learn by doing and not by looking - every hour with Dr Melendez was a saving grace for their medical education. 

“I’m sorry for being la…” Claire managed to explain before making eye contact with Neil. The sight of him left her speechless. He had ditched his usual patient look - a night tee shirt and sweatpants - for something different entirely. The black Henley and black linen pants he was wearing made him a most attractive man. _ Man? Patient. Doctor. Mentor. Professional. Yes, a professional _ , Claire reminded herself. Exactly what Claire was failing to be in front of her peers. 

“A problem, Dr Browne?” Neil teased her, a half smile on his face.

_ Oh, you know what you are doing, Neil, _ she kept to herself. 

“Absolutely none!” she smiled back. “Apologies for the delay. Short night.” 

“No problem. Take a seat. We just started.”

Morgan resumed the description of her case. 

How could one be so impacted by a change of outfit?  _ Come on, Claire. Get a grip, _ she scolded herself, trying to focus on Morgan’s patient. Neil was attentively listening to Morgan, peppering her expose with a few questions and humming in agreement to her answers. Claire couldn’t take her eyes off him. She had to admit she was rather pleased by the change, which meant not only she could appreciate how beautiful this man was but also how close he was from going home. It was only a matter of days now and she was so happy for him. Also, possibly terrified by what it could mean for them. 

Neil no longer looked like his own shadow. He had made significant progress for the last two weeks and his body seemed to become his once again. His hair was slightly longer than usual, giving him a more casual air. He still wasn’t back to his usual weight but his face showed the same expression and life as before. 

Claire’s stomach flipped when Neil made eye contact with her for a second, catching her in her shameless observation, before returning his attention to Morgan. The smile he tried to hide confirmed her suspicions. He had sworn to sabotage her morning with his obscene display of beautiful manhood and sexiness. 

_ Focus _ . That was what she needed right now. Claire took a sip of her coffee, the dark liquid hitting the spot at the first sip. She hummed happily before realizing Neil’s eyes were back on her, on her throat to be precise, following the invisible path of the hot liquid. He swallowed hard and in the blink of an eye, he was back to his mentor self, standing up carefully to question Morgan on the next course of action. 

“If you can stand by yourself, I guess it’s time for you to be kicked out of this hospital.” All turned to Dr Davis, who was leaning nonchalantly against the doorframe. “As a patient only, of course.” he added sarcastically. His dry humor found no echo in the room. 

“So, this is where my residents are. Come on, children, tutoring is over. Back to work. Thank you, Neil, for looking after the kids, this morning.” 

Neil and his residents all exchanged looks that silently bore what they really thought of this interruption. 

“Always a pleasure, Davis.” Neil snapped back, giving one more piece of advice to Morgan before they headed towards his office. 

“Dr Browne?” Neil called out before she made it to the door. 

“Yes, Dr Melendez.” 

Neil leaned to check that the hallway was cleared. 

“You’re ready for your surgery tomorrow? You look exhausted, Claire.” Neil worried. 

Claire nodded. “I have reviewed all scenarios and possibilities. I need to spend a bit more time at the skills lab today and I should feel 100% ready.”

“Okay.” he sighed, relieved. “Let me know if you need me but remember, you need a good night sleep tonight. I need you to be at your best.”

“Thank you.” She smiled, blushing, suddenly very aware of their proximity. “I gotta go. He’s gonna make my life a nightmare otherwise.”

Neil nodded before Claire turned her heels back. 

“Oh Claire! I forgot.” he paused as she turned back towards him. “Try to focus a bit more. You seemed easily… distracted... this morning.” His thumb stroked his bottom lip in a wicked smile. 

“Jerk…” Claire whispered before laughing. 

“I heard that!” he shouted as her footsteps echoed in the hallway. 

~

Claire’s fingers entered the preperitoneal space along the lateral edge of the rectus muscle. She kept whispering to herself the next action to take, the procedure becoming a dance she knew every step by heart.

“Be careful not to make the perforation too large as that will increase the risk of mesh displacement and of potential hernia recurrence.” Claire heard whisper behind her. She jolted, nicking one artery of the fake abdomen on the skills lab table. The monitors beeped violently and ended the simulation.

“Congratulations, Dr Melendez. You just killed my patient.”

“Apologies, Dr Browne. May I assist as an apology?” he smiled back. 

Claire nodded as Neil walked to face her on the other side of the operative field. Denying him would be like refusing a kid an ice cream in the middle of summer. Neil’s eyes were bright with anticipation. He must have missed surgery that much to find the skills lab and an inguinal hernia exciting. 

“I don’t remember you being able to stand for that long. It’s quite a walk from your room. You’re okay?”

“Onstep procedure?” he questioned, ignoring her concerns.

Claire hummed in agreement before starting the surgery over. The side eye she gave him made him chuckle. 

“I’ll be fine. I am fine, Claire. My carriage is in the hallway. Talk me through your procedure.” 

Claire was more than happy to comply. Neil passed the instruments over to her when requested and approved of each step she took, every decision she made. He knew exactly how to make her feel confident but cautious enough. It felt so natural to talk over an operative field, like nothing had quite changed despite weeks with no practice. Both were comfortable but focused. 

“How many times have you rehearsed this?” Neil enquired. 

“Too many times to remember.” 

“I can tell. This is very neat work.”

“Thank you. I’m still struggling through this part though. See? I’ve placed the gauze in the preperitoneal space but I’m struggling to know when to stop.”

“Okay, let me show you a trick.” Neil moved by her side. Claire shuffled to give Neil more space but as her hands were inside the operative field, her range of motion was limited. Quickly, she couldn’t ignore that her entire side was brushing his. Her surgery simulation just hit another level of difficulty.  _ Focus.  _

Neil’s hand moved along Claire’s until his hand was encompassing hers, inside the labs’ abdomen. Claire tried to maintain a straight face but she could feel her cheeks warming up. 

Neil flexed his index, moving Claire’s. “Can you feel that resistance just right there, past the transversalis fascia ?”

Claire frowned as she focused on the feeling under her finger, pushing aside the feeling of his hand against hers. 

“I got it. That's Cooper's ligament, right?”

“Yes.” Pride shone in his voice. “You should be able to feel the gauze no further than an inch from the resistance. That’s how you know when to stop.”

Neil removed his hand but didn’t move away from Claire. She turned her face back to him. He was so close. She authorized herself to lose herself in his brown eyes. Seeing him standing up next to her, healthy, smiling, back to teaching made her heart swell of happiness. She closed her eyes and leaned against Neil. His hand found her shoulder, before sliding slowly down her arm. Her cheek rested against his, the light stubble a delicious sensation against her skin. 

“I got discharged. I can go home tomorrow.” Neil whispered in her ear. Claire couldn’t breathe, let alone open her eyes. She simply leaned further into his embrace.

“And you are waiting for me to be two hands deep into an abdomen to let me know?”

She felt the low rumbling of his laughter against her back. She had missed his laugh and the power it had on her. 

“I figured we had a deal. And because the hospital is still off limit… It’d be easier for me to resist the urge for more right now.”

It was indeed off limit but Claire didn’t feel guilty to savor this moment with Neil for a few more seconds.  _ Tomorrow. _ She took a deep breath in, leaned away from him and took a step closer to the operating table. 

“Okay. Let’s save this abdomen first.”

Neil’s laughter reverberated once more before he faced her on the other side on the operative field. He looked as flushed as she did and a smug smile crept up her face. 

“Now, focus, Claire.” He let her inhale and exhale deeply first. “What’s next, Dr Browne?” 

Claire’s brains shifted back to her surgery and a second later, she was talking through the mesh insertion and the subsequent operative steps. 

_ Tomorrow _ . She could wait until tomorrow.

~

‘Can I come in?”

Neil stopped packing his bag and found Dr Glassman waiting by the door. 

“Please come in.”

Aaron stepped into the room, visibly uncomfortable.

“You’re leaving today, I’ve heard.” he began, filling up the awkward silence in the room.

“As you can see.” Neil put another shirt into his duffle bag. “I can’t wait to sleep in my bed again.”

“I remember that feeling. Coming home, finding your stuff, cooking your own meals, sleeping in your own sheets. Realizing that nothing has changed in the comfort of your home. And realizing that you are the one who changed.” Aaron stopped, the emotion of his own experience breaking his voice. Neil let him find his words again, understanding perfectly what Aaron was trying to express.

“You may think that going home is gonna shake that feeling and that you are going to be back to your normal self once you are back home, back at work. You’re gonna find that sense of normality after a few months but you will never really be the same.”

Neil nodded, sensing that difference in his heart. 

“I just came here to apologize. For not fighting for you harder when we still had a choice.” He raised his hand to prevent Neil from interrupting him. “As a doctor, I assessed the risks to be greater than the benefits and I let my own fear cloud my medical opinion. I didn’t want to be the one killing you and I didn’t believe I could have been the one saving you.”

“Well, technically you were right on that point.” Neil added with humor.

Dr Glassman let a chuckle out before continuing. “I am sorry for the decision I made. I’m not expecting you to forgive me for walking away. I just want you to know that if you feel like you need to talk to someone who understands what it is to feel … different… after such an experience, I’ll be here for you.”

Neil nodded again, at a loss for words. Aaron tapped nervously on the bed railing, feeling visibly exposed. 

“Eh Aaron?” The surgeon stopped and faced Melendez. “I do look forward to that scotch.”

“Yeah. Looks like the Athletics have pulled a miracle too.” Dr Glassman replied sarcastically. “Feeling up for a World Series game?”

“I’m gonna hold you to this, you know.”

“You bet. Just try to get better and get your strength back before the playoffs start in two weeks. Then we can discuss the fortune suite tickets are gonna cost me.”

“Feeling that remorseful, eh?”

Dr Glassman shrugged, smiled and left the room. 

A few minutes later, another knock at the door interrupted Neil’s packing. It was Audrey this time. She looked relaxed and casual in her black leather jacket.

“You’re ready?” She asked in a resplendissant smile. 

“Hey, Audrey. Yeah. I’m almost done.” Neil put the last of his items in his duffle bag and zipped it. He looked over the room, taking in the familiar sight one last time. He had spent so many years at the hospital as a doctor but this particular room would always hold a special place in his heart. He would never forget the pain of the recovery, the loneliness of the sleepless nights or the frustration of his condition. He wouldn’t forget either the joy of being alive, the exhilarating feeling after being able to eat again, the pride of seeing his residents giving the best of themselves and the support of his hospital family.

“Do you need a moment?” Audrey whispered.

“No. I’m ready to go home.” Neil winked at her. “Are you gonna wheel me out of here?” he winced, well aware of the hospital policy. 

Audrey leaned in, amused. “I managed to pull a few strings with the Chief of Surgery. If you feel up to it, we can walk to the main entrance. I parked at the front.”

Audrey handed Neil a walking cane, providing him with a well needed support. She grabbed his bag and they headed towards the exit. Neil’s stopped net on the doorstep at the sight of the hallway. The entire staff was here, lining up against the walls, broad smiles on their faces. 

Neil swallowed hard as emotion threatened to roll down his cheeks. He breathed deeply and helped by Audrey’s presence at his side, he walked slowly toward the main exit. Every nurse had a small word of encouragement for Neil, every doctor a head nod or a hand shake. His favorite nurse even hugged him as he walked past her. Neil took his time to thank every member of the medical staff. Every single one of them had contributed to this very moment, had been an active part of his survival. He owed them his life. Not only to the amazing surgeons he worked with but also to the nurses who made sure his recovery was advancing correctly, to the nursing aids that took care of him on a daily basis and to all the personnel who ensured his room would always be a clean and welcoming environment. 

Shaun, Morgan, Aaron and Marcus were there to wish him goodbye. Neil hugged them all tightly - Shaun maybe a bit too tightly for his own liking -, allowing himself to see them as friends and not only colleagues. 

With a last “thank you” full of emotion, Neil got into the elevator. When the door closed on Audrey and him, he allowed a few tears to escape his eyes. 

“She’s in surgery.” Audrey mentioned, her tone very casual. 

Neil turned his head to look at her for a brief second. 

“I’m not sure who you are talking about.” he answered in a smile, fooling no one. 

Audrey sniggered behind him but didn’t push the topic any further. 

Claire had gone to see Neil just before her surgery. She had been an irresistible mix of anxiety and happiness, both her surgery and Neil’s release triggering a wave of conflicting emotions. They had spent an hour channeling that energy into something more constructive and positive. She had promised to make it to say goodbye if she could.

The elevator opened on the ground floor and Neil walked slowly towards Audrey’s car. She opened the passenger door for him before securing his bag in the trunk. 

Neil was about to get in the car when the reflection of the light caught his eye. He looked up towards the light and realized someone was on the balcony outside his office. 

Claire. 

If her surgery scrubs and cap she was wearing as well as her labored breathing were any indication, she had run to the balcony straight after her surgery. The huge smile she gave him was everything he needed to know for now. 

He gave her a little wave and a smile before getting in the car. 

~

“You look terrible. You’re okay?”

“Thank you, Audrey. And yes, I am okay. Never repeat it to anyone but I almost called for the wheelchair halfway through the hallway… It’s gonna take me a while to feel like myself again.”

“Are you sure you will be able to manage at home?”

“I'll be fine. I have a nurse coming twice a day and my cleaning lady is still around.”

“And you’ll have all of us coming over to provide support.”

“Ugh. I really thought I was done with you, guys.” Neil laughed softly.

“You can’t get rid of us that easily… And after all, you’re the one stubborn enough to stick around when the odds were against you.”

“I guess so…” Neil answered absently as his phone vibrated. 

_ CB : Welcome home, Neil! I’m sorry I couldn’t make it earlier today - the mesh took me longer to secure than expected - but just wanted to tell you that I’m happy for you. _

Neil smiled at Claire’s text. The three dots appeared again as she typed another message. Then disappeared. And appeared again. To disappear once more. 

A few seconds later, another message arrived. 

_ CB : Even if it means I’ll miss seeing you every day. _

_ NM : Thank you, Claire. I’m glad to go home too. But I’m not going anywhere. Especially not right now. The public track is gonna have to wait for now. _

_ CB : You walked out of the hospital, didn’t you? _

_ NM : Guilty. But I can try to race you from my couch to my kitchen. Maybe... _

_ CB : Is that a challenge?  _

_ NM : More like an invitation. My ego can only take so many defeats. And I need to hear all about your solo surgery. _

_ CB : Living vicariously through your residents, Dr Melendez?  _

_ NM : Something like that… But also celebrating how wonderful they are... _

_ CB : :-) _

_ NM : Tonight? _

_ CB : You sure you’re up for that? You must be exhausted already. _

_ NM : Absolutely. And absolutely. _

_ CB : See you tonight then. I’ll bring dinner over.  _

  
  


The rest of the drive passed in a comfortable silence. Neil took on the familiar landscape, seeing it somehow for the first time. Life had gone on when he was fighting for his life, stuck in between four walls. He felt suddenly like he had so much to catch up on. He had been given another chance at life. And he was willing to make the most of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to update New Beginnings.  
> As usual, so grateful for all your comments and likes :-) You guys are the best!


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